How to Disappear Completely
I hope to turn this shit back into gold.
Now might be a good time to unsubscribe. I’ll wait a second.. and should you choose to, I won’t be offended.
But here I go with the habit again. And I know my writing will start with blemishes and be incoherent. It will be shit. I’ll be sitting here staring at a dirty mirror scratching away at it until I find some shine.
First, why haven’t I been writing?
I’ve become a consumer. That is I haven’t been creating content. At least directly. My job now is that of the aggregator. I find and pay other artists to produce work to reach my audience (the audience of the brand). This is fulfilling! And other artists are way more talented than me.
But it’s not the same. The direct connection is gone, and I need it to fill the gap like an itch.
Like the audience is a girlfriend and I’ve been single for too long. If this is needy, I’m not apologizing.
More honestly, I haven’t been writing is because I couldn’t confront the page.
Here’s what happened; It was New Years and I’dd been really wanting something special to happen. Some epiphany to end the year to get down on paper.
I stared at a blank page on the first of the year. And nothing happened. I wrote nothing.
I stopped a two year habit of writing and shipping work to my beloved audience of friends half listeners and occasion disagreers. The blank page won. Fuck.
No writing habit. No creation. But still! I have photography!
But then business grew and that got outsourced, too.
The thing that grew me to where I am now got outsourced and now I am here in my apartment with no direct connection to anyone or to my work.
I have to build it back. Mostly the habit of shipping. Mostly the habit of noticing things and speaking my mind and organizing it onto the page. I want the mirror to shine again so I can accurately reflect on the “what” and “why” of the meaning of all of this.
I disappeared completely. It was that easy. I became a blank page.
And now I’m a ghost trying to be human again. Bugging you all with echoes until I’m noticed.